One Parody Hill
by TheBostonKiddiot
Summary: Just a satirical take on the happenings in One Tree Hill.
1. Prom Night At Hater High

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. They're all Mark's. I just get to play with them. **

**Basically, these random musings are parodies of some aspects of One Tree Hill. **

**Without further ado, Prom Night At Hater High (in my own way). Enjoy. - TBK  
**

**Prom Night At Hater High**

Brooke: I would die if anyone ever saw this.

Nathan: Don't worry, nobody will ever know.

Peyton: *bugged eyed emo angst*

(Pin Drop)

Haley: Am I going to have to slap a bitch?

**_Flashback: Nathan's Rockin Bash_**

Nathan: Next body shot is on Peyton!

Peyton: Excuse me?

Nathan: Aw be a good sport goldielocks.

Peyton: You gonna let the football team mount me too?

Nathan: Yeah why not.. Wait, Tree Hill has a football team?

Mark: I know I forgot something.

Peyton: Unbelievable.

Nathan: Hey! What's the big deal? My mom always taught me to share and here I am, sharing you.

Peyton: With every male over fifteen.

Nathan: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Peyton: We are so done Nathan!

Nathan: How long?

Peyton: How long for what?

Nathan: Until we have make up sex? I need to plan my night accordingly.

*Peyton walks out*

Nathan: I spy with my little eye...

*Nathan plops self onto couch next to the VeryDrunk!Promiscous!Brooke*

Brooke: I'm drunk.

Nathan: What'sherface dumped me again.

*And this is the catalyst for shocking Brathan sex tape.. Seriously.*

**Upstairs at Nathan's Rockin Bash**

Nathan: You don't mind if I record this do you?

Brooke: Promise you'll erase it.

Nathan: Like I would forget that and have this bite me in the ass later.

**Present Day**

Crowd: OOoooooOOO

Brooke: Peyton.. I don't know–

Peyton: *administers one fist beatdown*

**Rachel's House**

Rachel: God, you look like a retarded raccoon.

Brooke: Screw you.

Rachel: Like Nathan did? Or like Lucas did? Or like..

Brooke: Shut. Up.

Rachel: Well then I leave you, one-eyed freak. I have to go seduce Principal Turner into not expelling me.

*Lucas walks in*

Rachel: Here for the deleted scenes?

*Rachel leaves*

Lucas: How are you feeling?

Brooke: Like some bitchy blonde punched me in the face.

Lucas: Good description.

Brooke: How mad is she?

Lucas: When I left her she was making a voodoo doll of you and she had a lot of pins on scattered on the table.

Brooke: Great. Just great.

Lucas: I can't believe you slept with my brother.

Brooke: Did I mention I was really drunk? Like really really drunk?

**Deb Scott's House of Booze**

Haley: You slept with Brooke.

Nathan: It was a one time deal.

Haley: And that's supposed to make me feel better? *goes to kitchen*

Nathan: Hales?

(Drawers open and close)

Nathan: ... Haley?

Haley: Yes?

Nathan: What are you doing with the knife?

Haley: How familiar are you with the process of neutering?

Nathan: .... I'll just go now.

**Red Room of Records**

Lucas: So.. About last night.

Peyton: Did something happen last night?

Lucas: Uh.. Yeah.

Peyton: Oh, you mean the tape of my ex-boyfriend and ex-friend sleeping together for the whole class to see?

Lucas: If it makes you feel any better.. Brooke feels terrible about it.

Peyton: And how would you know?

Lucas: I stopped by earlier. You know Brooke's on the way and all.

Peyton: You know what else is on the way? The front door. You know what to do.

**Rachel's House**

Brooke: Here for an encore?

Nathan: I just wanted to apologize for being for not destroying the tape like I said I would.

Brooke: Yeah, that would have been nice. How is Haley taking it?

Nathan: She chased me out of the house with a butcher knife..

Brooke: :O

Nathan: *shrugs*

**Prom Place**

Chase: Brooke?

Brooke: I'll talk to you in a minute!

Haley: You! You slept with my husband!

Brooke: Haley..

Crowd: OOOooooooOOOO

Brooke: I would feel a lot more comfortable if you weren't waving the staple gun around.

Haley: Maybe I should staple a chastity belt to your butt. Then you wouldn't sleep with other people's husbands!

Brooke: He wasn't your husband at the time..

Peyton: Yeah, but he was _my_ boyfriend!

Brooke: You two were broken up!

Haley: *shoots staple gun and Brooke ducks in the nick of time*

Brooke: You winged me!

Haley: Next time I'll get you in the other eye harlot!

Peyton: Oh allow me.

*Peyton administers one-fist beatdown*

**Rachel's House**

Brooke: Now I look like an actual raccoon.

Rachel: *lol*

Brooke: Don't you have things to do? Like run over kittens or something?

Rachel: I already tried to seduce Turner. He totally bats for the other team.

**Deb Scott's House of Booze**

Haley: I want a list of every girl you've been with!

Nathan: Seriously?

Haley: What? Can't remember them all?

Nathan: No..

Haley: Oh, so you can remember them!

Nathan: *sighs* I won't win huh.

Haley: *throws phonebook at Nathan* Just cross out every girl you haven't been with!

(Five minutes pass by and Nathan hasn't moved)

Haley: UNBELIEVABLE!

Nathan: Okay, okay! *crosses out two names and hands phonebook back*

Haley: Deb Scott and Karen Roe...

Nathan: ......

Haley: ........

Nathan: ..... I'll just go now.

**Prom Place**

Chase: I cannot be with anyone so morally corrupt.

Brooke: Do you _know_ who you are in real life?

**Sawyer Residence**

Brooke: Open up damn you!

(Door opens)

Peyton: *administers one-fist beatdown*

(Door closes)

Brooke: I really should have been prepared for that.

(Brooke knocks again and Peyton opens the door)

Peyton: Even I get tired of punching you in the face.

Brooke: Listen to me, Million Dollar Bitchy, the sextape wasn't a big deal!

Peyton: Oh, but it meant something to certain people like oh.. Haley, Chase, me.

Brooke: For the last time, you and Nathan were broken up!

Peyton: Which was our M.O. at the time!

Brooke: Oh I forgot, your relationship with Nathan was a string of miserable one night stands!

Peyton: Why are you describing your life to me Brooke?

Brooke: I like how you went after Lucas, not once, but twice. And we were never broken up either time!

Peyton: What do Lucas and I messing around have to with you sleeping with Nathan?

Brooke: ... Nothing.

Peyton: Glad we came to an understanding.

(Peyton shuts the door)

**Deb's House of Booze**

Lucas: It's not that bad right? It happened two years ago.

Haley: I should neuter you too.

Lucas: *chokes on water*

**Sawyer Residence**

(Brooke eggs the Saywer house)

Peyton: You have the gall to stand here. Throw raw eggs at my house.

Brooke: Like you had the gall to go after my boyfriend, not once, but twice!

Peyton: Maybe I should have had sex with him at the time! Then we'd be even!

Brooke: OH! *throws egg* And I want my dress back Fauxdilocks!

Peyton: You little.. *body tackles Brooke*

**Dan Scott House of Torture**

(Nathan walks into living room to see Dan doing the Macarena)

Nathan: And there, ladies and gentlemen is the reason why I can't dance.

**Sawyer Residence (Where Peyton and Brooke are still going at it)**

Brooke: I have three black eyes, no boyfriend, no dress, and you're going to prom with the guy that you love so you win! You win!

Peyton: I win? Brooke, this has been one of the worst years of my life. I needed my best friend more than ever and you cut me out because I was honest with you and you were never ever honest with me. You made fun of my mom's death Brooke. You knew her, you cried with me when she died. And now you use her as a punchline, as a joke to hurt me. It hurt, it did, but not anymore. Cause you and me, we're done. You were right, she's dead and as far as I'm concerned so are you.

Mark: *weeps silently* That was so.. Beautiful. *sniffles*

(Peyton goes in and door closes)

Brooke: Damn her "Hail Peyton" speech. It actually had points.

**Deb's House of Booze**

Nathan: Is it okay to come in?

Hales: I still want your reproductive bits on a silver platter.

Nathan: And I'll be at the Rivercourt.

**Rachel's House**

Rachel: I got expelled. It's official!

Brooke: I should go to Turner. I mean it's my fault you cheated.

Rachel: Please, you totally shouldn't take responsibility for your part. Who does that anymore? Anyway, I'm on my first flight out.

Brooke: I guess I should pack.

Rachel: Don't worry about it. Stay.

Brooke: But this is your house.

Rachel: Sure it is!

(Sirens wail)

Brooke: This is your house right?

(Sirens get louder)

Brooke: Rachel?

Rachel: Ok, so I married some old guy and then killed him for the house and money.

Brooke: WHAT?!

Rachel: You were the best friend I've never had, but it's time for us to say goodbye. *Rachel moves toward open window*

Brooke: Are you jumping out of the window?

Rachel: Toodles, Brookie monster! *Rachel crawls out of the window*

Brooke: You can't be serious. RACHEL!

Rachel: By the way, make up with Peyton before you graduate or Mark will cry in his Cheerios.

(Brooke sticks her head out the window)

Brooke: Mouth!?

Mouth: We're going on the lamb baby!

Rachel: Ciao!

(They leave)

Police: Rachel Gattina, you are under arrest!

Brooke: Shit.


	2. Brucas, A Love Story Or Something

**Brucas, A Love Story.. or Something Like It**

_Season 1 – The Beginning_

Lucas: You don't mind being my rebound while I secretly harbor feelings for your best friend right?

Brooke: No prob.

Lucas: Alright cool.

Brooke: Wanna make out?

Lucas: Definitely.

**Emotional Connections - Part I**

Brooke: I am so jealous of your relationship with Lucas.

Peyton: Emotional connections are overrated, B. Davis.

Brooke: I mean all we have is.. you know.. the benefits part.

Peyton: I know. *vomits previous week's breakfast and lunch*

Brooke: You okay?

Peyton: Yeah, I'm just secretly harboring feelings for your boyfriend and the idea of you and him together makes me retch.

Brooke: Okay, but enough about you. How do I get an emotional connection with Luke like you have?

Peyton: Have things in common. Talk to him.

Brooke: Are you like, serious?

Peyton: ....

**Emotional Connections - Part II**

Brooke: So I saw you two last night, acting all cozy.

Peyton: I was horrified, trust me.

Brooke: I mean you were with two guys I wouldn't mind sharing the sack with.

Peyton: Brooke, one of those guys is my father.

Brooke: He's hot though.

Peyton: You are really trying to make me bulimic. Anyway, they were discussing dead poets and crap.

Brooke: But you got to sit between them! That's like an emotional connection!

**Lucas, the Cad**

(Insert cheating scenes by Lucas here)

Lucas: Please, Brooke's great and all, but she's not you!

Peyton: You have horrible timing.

Leyton Lovers: *swoon*

(Alarms sound: Haters have been activated.)

Leyton Lovers: Oh. Shit.

Leyton Haters: Peyton is such a two-timing bitch! How could she steal Lucas away from Brooke!?

Lucas: She didn't exactly drag me away kicking and screaming.

Leyton Haters: We don't CARE! She has corrupted your mind!

Lucas: But I went into the relationship knowing Brooke was a rebound.

Leyton Haters: SHUT UP! She was not! You LOVED her.

Lucas: I repeat "Brooke's great and all, but she's not you.."

Leyton Haters: You need to lay down. I think you have a fever.

Mark: So maybe I should have planned this whole Leyton hookup thing better.

Leyton Lovers: No shit.

**Peyton's Red Room of Records**

Brooke: Omgpeytonihateyouforeverbutwillhookupwithlucaslate reventhoughhecheatedonme.

Peyton: That's cool. If you don't mind I have creepy drawings to work on. Close the door on the way out.

Brooke: Did I mention that I hate you? I'll remind you every chance I get!

Peyton: Can't hear you. iPod in the ears.

Brooke: UGH!

_TBK's Note: This was the start of SIX years of EXTREMELY pointless Leyton vs Brucas and Peyton vs Brooke debates._

**Season 2 - The Interlude**

Lucas: Hey Anna, I like you and I think you like me..

Anna: Um, about that..

(5 Minutes later)

Lucas: What do you mean you have the hots for Peyton!?

Anna: I don't think they heard you in China!

Lucas: Was I that bad at making out? Did I turn you gay? Please tell me I didn't.

Anna: No.

Lucas: Well.. you know since I have been secretly harboring feelings for Brooke for a while... you being a lesbian isn't so bad. You have great timing, Anna! This is great!

(Lucas leaves)

Anna: Uh thanks?

**Post-Peyton's Mega Depression**

Lucas: Peyton, I called Jake.

Peyton: Are you out of your MIND?

Lucas: Probably.

(And this ends the only Leyton scene in S2)

Leytoners: You have got to be kidding me.

Jeyton Lovers: Yay!

**Brelix: The Worst Coupling Ever  
**

Brooke: I hate the pool boy.

(Lucas carves "LS and BD" into five hundred trees.)

Tree Hill Trees: He's dangerous and must be stopped!

Brooke: Now that I think about it.. Felix is kinda hot in a "biggest asshole in the world" way. Maybe I should give him a shot.

(Insert hundreds of scenes of Lucas pining over Brooke and secretly plotting on Felix's life)

Brooke: Brelix is the new Brangelina!

(Insert ten Brelix making out scenes in a row)

Lucas: Why have you forsaken me!?

Mark: I get kicks out of pissing off all of the shippers.

Naliens/Brucasers/Leytoners/Lanna Lovers: _ORLY_?

OTH Fans: Why hasn't Felix been killed yet?

Mark: I need someone else to be the scapegoat. Do you know how much hate mail I get!?

**The Leaving Song**

Lucas: You can't leave because I love you!

Brooke: Anyone tell you that you have horrible timing?

Lucas: Peyton did when I told her how I fe--Whoops.

Brooke: Now I'm definitely leaving! You must be the biggest ass on the face of the planet.

**Season 3 - The Beginning of the End**

Brooke: Non-exclusive.

Lucas: But I love you!

Brooke: Take it or leave it.

Lucas: This is silly, pretty girl.

Brooke: You have five seconds.

Lucas: Bu-but…

Brooke: 3.. 2.. 1..

Lucas: Ok! OK! How much of the relationship is friendship and how much of it is benefits?

Brooke: Glad you see things my way!

**It's Just Keller's World and We're All Living In It**

Chris: In nine months, dude, I promise.. It's not mine!

(Silence)

Lucas's Heart: *breaks*

Brooke: *horrified*

Chris: Chris Keller's work here is done. *whistles*

**Baley's Apartment**

Brooke: I was really really drunk.

Peyton: You slept with Chris Keller?

Haley: And you didn't even get a lousy t-shirt?

(silence)

Peyton/Haley: LOL

Mark: On the DVD there is one deleted scene of me dodging pitchforks thrown at my head by a select group of Tree Hill fans.. Hint, the name of this group begins with 'Bruc' and ends in 'as'.

**The Scott Porch of Emoness**

Peyton: Did you really have to massacre your own door?

Lucas: I'm angsty and broody dammit.

Peyton: But Brooke loves you dude.

Leytoners Keeping Hope Alive: What the _hell_, Peyton!? Cease and desist!

Lucas: She has a funny way of showing it.

Karen: Good morning Peyton, Luc--_What did you do to my door?!_

Lucas: Angsty and brooding.. Angsty and brooding..

**Later....**

(Insert thunder and lightning here)

Lucas: What I'm saying is.. I love you!

Brooke: What? It's loud out here!

Lucas: I. Love. You.

Brooke: I have water in my ears! What?

Lucas: I LOVE YOU.

Brooke: Did you have to yell so loud?? Sheesh Broody.

(Insert copious amout of Brucas make out scenes here)

Brucas Lovers: Sweet Victory! Endgammmmeeee!

Brucas Haters/Leyton Lovers: Worst. Season. Ever.

**Post Brucas Endgame Bliss**

Brooke: I'm just waiting for you to cheat on me with Peyton again.

Lucas: What?

Brooke: Are you doing it now?

Lucas: No..

Brooke: How about now?

Lucas: No.

Brooke: Just tell me when you plan to do so.

Lucas: *sighs* _God_....

Brooke: Is watching you. Just remember that when you sneak off with Peyton to break my heart again.

Lucas: wtf.

**Breyton**

Peyton: How's everything?

Brooke: Why? Planning to steal Lucas again?

Peyton: Not yet. We still have a lot more of your insecurities and general Brucas angst to get through.

Brooke: Are you sure?

Peyton: Eventually I'll ruin things. Can I pencil you in for the "Conclusion of season 3?"

Brooke: Sure. How's the evening sound for you? The moonlight will accentuate the tears that are about to spill when you shatter my world.. again.

Peyton: Perfect. See you then.

**Post School Shooting**

Brooke: You got saved by Lucas again.

Peyton: Because I was bleeding to death.

Brooke: The girl I love got saved by the boy I love. How can I top that emotional connection?

Peyton: You can get shot twice..

Brooke: P Sawyer, bullet holes would be hazardous to my pores! And blood is kinda icky… *starts crying*

Peyton: What's wrong now?

Brooke: You're going to steal Lucas again!

Peyton: With one leg too. Talk about _efficient_.

Brooke: Peyton!

Peyton: Dude, I'm going to cover up my deep rooted feelings for Lucas by proposing to Jake.

Brooke: Oh thank God.

**Savannah**

Peyton: Marry me?

Jake: I don't know about this..

Mark: You aren't supposed to be indecisive!

Peyton: Take all the time you need, Jake.

Mark: Uhhhh.. I need a plot device.. I got it! *grabs Jenny and holds up a series of signs*

Jenny: Momma? Peyton? Momma Peyton!

Mark: I am a creative genius.

Jake: My mind is made up! Yes, I will marry you!

(Next morning)

Peyton: I can't wait to be Mrs. Jagielski.

Jake: Yeah.. about that.. You know you love Lucas right?

Peyton: I was really hoping you wouldn't notice that.

Jake: But you wrote it in a note and left it on my pillow before going to bed. And then you said it while you were asleep. Then you woke me up in the middle of the night and whispered in my ear "Lucas is pretty hot". In fact, this morning, the UPS guy came to deliver a "10 x 17" neon sign saying "Peyton Elizabeth Scott"..

Mark: That's me being subtle.

Jeyton Lovers: This is such utter crap.

Leytoners Keeping Hope Alive: Love it!

Brucas Lovers: … Hey who turned off the light at the end of the tunnel??

Mark: And in this deleted scene, I am holding the extension cord for said light at the end of the tunnel.

Peyton: Since my deep rooted feelings are out in the open, I'll tell Brooke.

(Alarms sound: Haters have been activated.)

Mark: Oh you should have seen the hate mail coming in by the truckload at the end of this scene.

Leyton Haters: Peyton is such a…

FCC: Thank god for the 5 second delay. *dubs all over*

Leyton Haters: Peyton is such a.. (Dubbed Robotic Voice: A. Mean. Person.)

FCC: Someone has to think of the children.

Brooke: So.. have you..

Lucas: No, I haven't cheated on you with Peyton yet!

**Naley's Engagement Party or Whatever**

Peyton: I proposed to Jake and he accepted.

Brooke: Congratulations!! I can't wait to make the wedding dress..

Peyton: Sike! I actually love Lucas with all my heart. Ever since the day I almost made him roadkill.. Didn't see that coming huh didya?

Brooke: Am I on Candid Camera?

Peyton: Nope. Just to clarify: I wouldn't mind being Luke's baby momma.

Brooke: I HATE YOU! *slaps*

Peyton: Nikki slapped me much harder.

Brooke: YOU BACKSTABBING TWO-FACED—

FCC: Not again. *dubs all over*

Brooke: YOU BACKSTABBING TWO-FACED— (Dubbed Robotic Voice: I. Am. Disappointed. Pey. Ton.)

Brooke: I knew it, you love Peyton!

**Naley Wedding**

Lucas: It was only a kiss, she was dying! You had to be there!

Brooke: _WHAT!?_

Lucas: She didn't tell you about the kiss in the library huh...

Brooke: Do you make out with every soon-to-be corpse in Tree Hill!?

Lucas: Um.. only the hot ones?

Brooke: OMG! Way to break my heart again, ass!

**Season 3 Ends/Start Season 4 Here**

(5 Episodes, 4 Angsty Scenes, 3 People, 2 Fights, and 1 Take Out Box Later)

Lucas: So..

Brooke: Not meant to be.

Lucas: Great. See ya tomorrow.

Brooke: Could you at least pretend to be sad?

Lucas: That takes actual acting. I was just biding my time until I could be with Peyton anyway.

Brucas Lovers: *heads explode*

Brucas Haters: Best. Season. Ever. Which couple is the endgame now?! In your face bitches.

U.S. Postal Service: We don't know what the _fuck_ you did, but we don't have that many carriers to deliver all of your hate mail!

Mark: It all started three seasons ago.. I had this guy love two girls.. a love triangle if you would call it that..

WB (_Whoops_) CW Mods: What do you mean the show has been renewed for season 5!? God. Help. _Us_.

Mark: Since the triangle thing has been working out so well we should go bigger, better!

OTH Fans: … Damn. He has an idea again. Quick, someone hit him with a car!

Mark: Season five will have an unprecedented romantic twist.. introducing the love square! Tune in to see which new female will fight for Luke's attention.

Leytoners/Brucasers: *facepalm*

Mark: And everyone loves angst right?? I'm breaking up Naley too! Great idea huh?

Naliens: *facepalm*

Mark: And Mouth will get more screentime!

OTH Fans: Now you've gone way too far.


	3. Leyton: Just so EPIC Pt 1

**Leyton, the Most Awesomely Epic Love Story in the History of Epicness - Part 1**

**S1: The Beginning of EPIC**

Lucas: *walks*  
Peyton: *drives*  
Lucas: *bounces ball while walking*  
Peyton: *rocks out while driving*  
Lucas: *jaywalks*  
Peyton: *reaches back for a CD while driving*

DMV Spokesperson: *glares at Mark*

Mark: What? Geico is a sponsor! Why else do we have a major car crash per season?

(SCREECH.)

Lucas: Holy crap.  
Peyton: wtf  
Lucas: Um..  
Peyton: Seriously?  
Lucas: ...  
Peyton: HOW **_DARE_** YOU WALK WHERE I AM DRIVING!?!  
Lucas: Sorry?  
Peyton: Well? MOVE DAMMIT.  
Lucas: Ok, ok. Sheesh.

Mark: Love in it's purest form.

**Rivercourt - Lucas blows his first game**

Lucas: You know, I shoot the ball and it goes in. I don't ask questions, I don't think about it. It's just the way it is.  
Peyton: How did that work out for you?  
Lucas: Clearly, you've come to cheer me up.  
Peyton: So the entire school, most of your friends and half the town saw you blow it tonight.  
Lucas: Yeah.  
Peyton: Sucks to be you doesn't it?  
Lucas: Thanks for the kind words.

**It's Just Brooke's World and They Are Living In It**

Peyton: Anyway, I heard you were naked in whatshisface's car.  
Brooke: No. I was partially naked. At one point I had mittens on 'cause it was cold.

(One of Brooke's Best Lines Ever)

**Deb and Dan's Rockin Basketball Bash**

Mark: Plot device. Plot device. I got it! Truth or Dare!

Brooke: I dare you to make out with Peyton.  
Lucas: Score!

Lucas: I've wanted this for so long.  
Peyton: Me too. And now we can have it.  
Lucas: No, no, no. I don't mean just that. I want this.

(He puts his hand over her heart)

Lucas: You know? I want to be here. I want to have everything with you. I want it all. I want us, Peyton.  
Peyton: o_O ?  
Lucas: Did I say something wrong?

(Commitment Alarms Have Been Activated)

Peyton: What. The. Hell.  
Lucas: *squints sadly*  
Peyton: Dude, are you insane? I was just in it for the sex man! Talking about feelings and shit. Why couldn't you be a normal seventeen year old boy with an insatiable sex drive? But nnnnoooooo, you had to go and make things so COMPLICATED.

Avril Lavigne: _Why do you have to go and make things so complicaaaattted? I see the way you're..  
_Peyton: Shut it, mainstream whore.

Avril Lavigne: o_o

**Red Room of Records**

(Peyton is moodily drawing in her room)

Brooke: You know what you need?  
Peyton: An art pencil shoved into my skull?  
Brooke: P. Sawyer, what did I say about the depressing thoughts and dark, twisted drawings?  
Peyton: Something cheery I'm sure.  
Brooke: Anyway, what you need is uncomplicated sex.  
Peyton: From you?

Mark: *drool*

Brooke: Maybe another day.. I'm talking about uncomplicated sex from hot college guys. Party tonight. You're coming with me.  
Peyton: I don't think so.  
Brooke: Oh come on, what's the worst that can happen?

**A Day Later**

Brooke: Ok so maybe that party wasn't the best idea.  
Peyton: orly.  
Brooke: But on the bright side, I got to bond with Broody!  
Peyton: I'm glad you took the time to work on your love life while I was unconscious.  
Brooke: It's called multi-tasking. I wouldn't have done it if you were dying.  
Peyton: Yeah, that would have been awkward, me taking my last breaths while you were getting your groove on.  
Brooke: Totally. I made sure you had a pulse and then talked with Broody. I put _you_ first. You are so blessed to have such a selfless friend like me.  
Peyton: What if I stopped breathing while you were talking to him?  
Brooke: Well then you would have rudely interrupted our conversation, P. Sawyer.  
Peyton: Hm.

**On the Streets of Tree Hill**

Lucas: I have a problem. I kinda like Brooke.  
Haley: I thought you were into Peyton? Are you like a gigolo or something?  
Lucas: Haley, I'm not the bad guy here, ok? Peyton's just too... hard.  
Haley: Unlike Brooke, who I understand is nice and easy. Very easy. Easy Mac easy.  
Lucas: Excuse me! She makes me laugh. She's honest. She's not afraid to be herself, ok? Plus, she's not covered head to toe in issues.  
Haley: I hope you have ass insurance.  
Lucas: What? Why?  
Haley: Because liking two best friends is going to bite you in the ass. Don't get mad when I say I told you so.

**Red Room of Records**

(Peyton has an epiphany)

Peyton: Maybe I _do_ need complicated sex.

**Squinty's House**

Peyton: Lucas, I made a mistake. When you said you wanted to be with me, I got, I got scared and I pushed you away, but the truth is, I want all the same things that you want, I do. And I want them with you.  
Lucas: *squints happily*

(Brooke saunters out in Squinty's sweatshirt)

Lucas: *squints depressingly*  
Brooke: Peyton? Whatcha doin here, best friend?  
Peyton: *looks at Lucas, silence*  
Brooke: Broody?  
Lucas: *looks at Peyton, silence*  
Brooke: I so want in on the staring contest! I can definitely last longer than you two!  
Peyton: Maybe another time Brooke.  
Lucas: Peyton... *pouts*  
Peyton: I have to go wallow in my own self-pity dammit.  
Brooke: Oh okay. See ya later P Sawyer.

**Next Day**

Brooke: You wanna hear about my wild night with Broody?  
Peyton: See this pencil? I'm going to place the tip of it in arsenic. Then I'm going to shove it slowly down my ear canal and hope my death is quick.  
Brooke: Do you like need to see Dr. Phil or something P?

**Laley**

Lucas: So Peyton came over last night.  
Haley: Aren't you dating Brooke now?  
Lucas: Sorta..  
Haley: .....  
Lucas: Peyton bared her soul to me and now I'm emotionally conflicted. I don't know if I made the right choice.  
Haley: I-D-I-O-T.  
Lucas: Idoit? What's an idoit?  
Haley: *facepalm*  
Lucas: Oh. _OH_. Sorry.

**Breyton is Kinda Complicated**

Brooke: I am so jealous of your relationship with Lucas.  
Peyton: Emotional connections are overrated, B. Davis.  
Brooke: I mean all we have is.. you know.. the benefits part.  
Peyton: Isn't that all you need?  
Brooke: Usually, but I actually like him.  
Peyton: Like, like him, like him?  
Brooke: Like, _love him_, like him.  
Peyton: ..... dammit.

**Mark's Office**

Mark: So I need to break up Brucas now. But it has to be done delicately.. I need a plot point...

**On the Seven Seas**

Larry: *is tanning on his dredging boat*

**Mark's Office**

Mark: .... *evil grin*

**Sawyer House**

Peyton: They found a body.  
Brucas: ohno  
Peyton: They think it's my dad.  
Brucas: ohno  
Peyton: I have to go ID the body now. *sniffles and slowly makes way to door... alone*

Mark: Hello!? I don't pay you people to forget your lines!

Brooke: Whoops! Goldilocks, you can barely drive when you _aren't_grieving. Maybe I should come with? Be a supportive bestie and all?

(Silence)

Mark: *taps foot and glares at Lucas*  
Lucas: What? They've been best friends forever, Brooke should go.  
Mark: *heavy sigh* I don't have time for your _LOGIC_.

**Seedy Motel**

Leyton: *cheat cheat cheat*

Brucasers: OMG WHAT THE HELL MARK!? WHY WHY WHY WHY!  
Mark: *whistles* Blame Peyton. I had nothing to do with it.  
Brucasers: Except for the part where you totally wrote that scene in!?  
Mark: Uh..  
Brucasers: *grab pitchforks*  
Mark: Crap.

**The EPIC Confrontation**

Brooke: So let me get this straight. You used me as a rebound?  
Lucas: Yes?  
Brooke: Because you weren't over her. *points to Peyton* My ex-best friend?  
Lucas: Yes?  
Brooke: And you used me anyway.  
Lucas: It's not as bad as it sounds.  
Brooke: And then you cheated on me, with said ex-best friend.  
Lucas: Yes.

(Brooke kicks Lucas in the groin and looks at Peyton)

Brooke: I'd totally kick you in the ovaries if I could.  
Peyton: *bugged eyed*  
Brooke: You two are out of my life forever!

And this lasts.. Oh about _seven_ episodes.

**Season 2: The Leyton Interlude**

Season 2: *is not epic*

Your search - _Leyton_ - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

* Make sure all words are spelled correctly.  
* Try different keywords.  
* Try more general keywords.

Did you mean to search for: **Jeyton**?

Brucasers/Jeytoners: _Oh happy day..  
_Leytoners: This is an epic pile of suck.


	4. Leyton: Just so EPIC Pt 2

**Leyton, the Most Awesomely Epic Love Story in the History of Epicness - Part Deux  
**  
**Season 2's Not So Epic Leyton Interlude**

**Rob Thomas (creator of Veronica Mars)'s Office **

Rob: We have a problem.  
Veronica: What's up Rob?  
Rob: There's a rumor floating around that the WB and UPN are going to combine to form one network either next year or the year after. Of course that means a few shows are going to get the axe..  
Veronica: Noted. Who's our competition?  
Rob: On the WB they have this show called 'One Tree Hill' that airs at the same time we do on Tuesdays. You heard of it?  
Veronica: Vaguely familiar of it.  
Rob: When push comes to shove, this new network would get rid of us in a heartbeat over One Tree Hill.  
Veronica: Is it really that good?  
Rob: Their average viewership is above four million. We're at two and a half.  
Veronica: I presume you have an idea to fix this?  
Rob: Of course. Now, Tree Hill's surging ratings are powered by this entity called Chophia.  
Veronica: _Chophia_? Is that a mutated Chia pet or something?  
Rob: No, it's a portmanteau of Chad and Sophia, the characters' portrayers.  
Veronica: _Who_?  
Rob: Who they are is not important. What's important is that we have to sink the Chophia ship.  
Veronica: So where do you plan to get an iceberg big enough to sink that ship?

(Rob presses a button)

Rob: Send her in. You remember a certain blonde we had on at the beginning of the season?  
Veronica: Seriously?

(Paris Hilton walks in)

Paris: omghi. Rob, you're so hawt. I'm so hawt. You're hawt too Veronica.

Veronica: _jesuschrist._

Paris: He's hawt too.

Rob: So.. I heard you're going to be working on this movie.. _House of Wax_? I want you to do something for me…

**End of Season 2**

**Mark Schwahn's Office of Doom**

Mark: As I have been saying since the beginning of this show... Brucas has been destined since Peyton's drugging.  
Secretary: Um, I thought it was that "Leyton was destined from the pilot".  
Mark: No, it has been Brucas. Always has been Brucas. Always will be Brucas. I even got a tattoo of them.  
Secretary: Are you sure Brucas is your endgame?  
Mark: Of course. I think you can give me a little credit here. I know exactly what I am doing. When we get Naley back on track after I character assassinated Haley for absolutely no reason, we're going to have a double wedding at the end of this season. Hell, even Jeyton will be in the mix. Maybe I should do a triple wedding... *smiles wistfully*  
Secretary: Are you sure that's wise to put all of you eggs in the Brucas basket?  
Mark: What's the worst that can happen?

**Season 3 Pre-School Shooting**

Your search – _Leyton relationship _- did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

* Make sure all words are spelled correctly (But that won't matter really... Because Leyton is dead).  
* Try different keywords like: Leyton friendship, Brucas love, Jeyton endgame  
* Try more general keywords like: non-existent relationship

Did you mean to search for: **Brucas**?

**Summer Broodin**

Lucas: I can't live without Brooke. A life without her has no meaning.  
Peyton: Too true. I don't know how you've managed this summer.  
Lucas: It's been difficult. But I'm a trooper. I know she'll come back to me.  
Peyton: Definitely. You two are destined to be together. Just like Jake and I.  
Lucas: Can you imagine us raising our kids together? *daydreams*  
Peyton: They'd be best friends… just like their parents.

Mark: The thought of Jeyton and Brucas babies just brings a tear to my eye.

Leytoners: *projectile vomit*

**Beach Bash**

Brooke: Non-exclusive. Friends with benefits. No feelings. No heartbreak. Take it or leave it.  
Lucas: But.. but I love you.

Brooke: _So?_

**The Red Door Massacre  
**  
(Lucas is sobbing and squinting hysterically in front of the door.)

Peyton: I got the emo batsignal. What's wrong?  
Lucas: Brooke.. *sobs* Wants *sob* to be non-*sob*-exclusive.  
Peyton: WHAT?  
Lucas: *sob sob squint hiccup*  
Peyton: Is she trying to throw the world off its axis?! Don't worry, I'll make her see reason.  
Lucas: Really? You'd do that for me? After all we've been through?  
Peyton: You two will be together, even if it kills me.

Mark: *dabs eyes with hanker chief* Beautiful.

Leytoners: *eyeing cyanide pills*  
Brucasers: Um.. we don't exactly know what to do with a pro-Brucas Peyton. Can you boo and cheer simultaneously? Do we call it _choo_-ing?

**Brooke's Apartment**

(Brooke is gorging on ice cream)

Paley: omgnoooooooooocalories!

Peyton: Drop the spoon.  
Haley: Step away from the Breyers.  
Brooke: I think I just lost Lucas for good.  
Haley: Oh sweetie no.  
Peyton: Lucas loves you!

Brucasers: Um.. _Choo_?

Haley: What did you do anyway?  
Brooke: I slept with Chris Keller.  
Haley: *facepalm*  
Peyton: Ok, we can get you through this. We will get you through this.

Brucasers: Ok, this whole not wanting Peyton dead thing is hard.

**Torrential Downpour of LOVE**

Brucas: *insert I LOVE YOU scene here*

**Interlude – Mark's Office of Killing Dreams**

Mark: Everything's on track. Brucas is good. Naley is good. We set for the Jeyton airport scene for late in the season?  
Secretary: Yes, but..  
Mark: I was thinking about having Jake twirl Peyton in the middle of the airport.  
Secretary: That's great, but..  
Mark: And then the new Jagielski family can share a hug at the end of the episode. What do you think?  
Secretary: That's great and all, but we have an issue.  
Mark: You're harshing my Brualeyton buzz.  
Secretary: Have you read TMZ today?  
Mark: T-M-whatnow?

(Secretary hands over laptop)

_Headline: Chophia. DONE? Read the exclusive scoop!_

Mark: O_O

**Hallway of Broken Dreams  
**  
WB Minion 1: Did you just hear screaming coming from Mark's office?  
WB Minion 2: Nah, you're just hearing things.

**Mark's Office of Doom  
**  
Mark: Burn the scripts!  
Secretary: All of them?!  
Mark: We need to start over. Trash it all! Where's the shredder?!  
Secretary: What are you going to do?  
Mark: Does it look like I have a CLUE what I'm doing?!

**Weeks Later**

Mark: As I've said from the beginning of this very show, Leyton has been destined from the PILOT.  
Secretary: *curiously remains silent*

**Season 3 – The Second Half**

Your search – _Brucas bliss_ - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

* Make sure all words are spelled correctly (But that won't matter really... Because Brucas has flatlined).  
* Try different keywords like: Leyton endgame  
* Try more general keywords like: soon-to-be non-existent relationship

Did you mean to search for: **Leyton – True Love Always**?

Brooke: You know.. Lately Lucas has been treating Peyton more like a girlfriend than me.  
Rachel: Maybe because they belong together.  
Brooke: I knew I hated you for a reason.

**Mark's Office of Doom**

Mark: I need a plot point to drive a wedge between Brooke and Lucas forever.  
Secretary: I don't think that will end well. You've built up a significant Brucas fanbase. Look at what you did to Haley and how the Naliens reacted..  
Mark: Whatever. The Naliens always come back no matter what I do to them.. I got it! We haven't had a crazy scene since Dan was set on fire right?  
Secretary: Right...  
Mark: Ok good.  
Secretary: What exactly are you planning?  
Mark: You'll see.

**Tree Hill Hallway of DEATH**

Jimmy: *shoots door*  
Everyone: OMGTHEGEEKHASAGUN! *screamingstampedes*  
Glass: *breaks*  
Bullet: *ricochets*  
Breyton: omgwtf *ducks*  
Jimmy: *flees*  
Bullet: *defies every law of physics and hits Peyton anyway*  
Peyton: _ow_.  
Brooke: *loses Peyton*  
Peyton: *loses walking ability*

**Five Minutes Later**  
Nathan: I'm going to take this scumbag on.  
Lucas: With a bat?  
Nathan: Yeah!  
Lucas: Nathan, bullets can shatter bats.  
Nathan: .... I'll hit the gun with the bat.  
Lucas: .... That is the _dumbest_ plan ever.

**Tree Hill Library**

Lucas: Is anyone here?

(Silence)

Lucas: If you're the gunman then pretend you didn't hear that!

Peyton: *whimper*

Lucas: PEYTON!?  
Peyton: No, it's Dr. Seuss.  
Lucas: What happened!?  
Peyton: There's this searing pain in my leg and I got trampled on by a herd of terrified students.  
Lucas: Are you okay!?  
Peyton: I repeat, my leg is bloody and I got stampeded on.  
Lucas: Do you need help!?  
Peyton: I'm going to DIE. Is that clear enough for you?!

**Somewhere..**

Brooke: *sobs for a full minute*

**Tree Hill Library**

Peyton: It's not glass in my leg huh?  
Lucas: Looks like a .45 ACP bullet to me.  
Peyton: This is where you lie to me.  
Lucas: Oh.. Well then it's definitely glass. Nothing a good tweezer can't fix. Well a good tweezer and surgery.  
Peyton: I'm losing a lot of blood.  
Lucas: No duh, it's all over me.  
Peyton: I'd punch you if it didn't take all of my energy to do so.  
Lucas: Glad to see even as you're in shock, you haven't lost your snark.  
Peyton: Since I am losing a lot a blood, don't hold it against me when I say something stupid like "I love you Lucas." Ok?  
Lucas: Uh hu–Hey! Why is that stupid?  
Peyton: I love you. Remember, this means nothing because I'm about to die. People kiss their best friend's boyfriend who they already had an affair with previously when they are about. to. die. Understand?  
Lucas: Got it.

Leyton: *insert angsty near-death kiss here*

Brucasers: *do a double take* Huh.. but the-adda-wibba.. Is that even _legal_?

Leytoners: Who cares? WHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


End file.
